sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
