Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
