Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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