I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
