he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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