I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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