she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
