ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
