I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
