will power is for people who don't want to get laid
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
