I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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