If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
