Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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