the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
