the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
