the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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