So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize