yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
two words: eviction party
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
whose parrot is this?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
