I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
