just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
