There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
