We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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