it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
