Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
