After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
