I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
