Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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