My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
