Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
