my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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