Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize