He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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