I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
