Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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