Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
