I am in a vortex of obligation.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
