I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
