why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My vagina just clenched in fear
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
