saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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