I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
