Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
