i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
