My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
