I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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