so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It was confusing and full of hummus
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
