She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
