I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
