I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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