he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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