Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
kristin has been a bad kristin
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize