Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
