She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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