I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
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