You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
