someone threw a dead crab at me
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
