thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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