Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
