My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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