i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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